SIEANNEN BELL

All Photography ©2004 Fred Ellis

Dancing All Alone (Jackrabbit Blues)

Sitting in the dry heat

of the desert

counting cactus spines,

counting the minutes

that are

still mine

before hauling

my sorry ass home

no home at that,

just a cockroach-

eaten motel room

with used

but empty

condoms

stashed under

a bed that

rocks

only because

I insist upon

dancing on it

even with no one

to watch me

just dancing

on a dirty bedspread

wishing

you were here

because then

I’d be guaranteed

a damn good time

with a hell of a lot of

rocking

and maybe just a little

sweetness

for christ’s sake

I could use a little more of that

I spin on

in the dry dirt

making up my own clouds

making up my own words

with the same strange rhythm

and rhyme of my heart leaping

so often out of my chest

and I dance

--always—

I dance with no one looking

except maybe the saguaro

and who are they going to tell

about one red-headed girl

flailing in the dust

singing like an injured dove

at the sun

slipping

swiftly away

behind more mountains

than I’ve ever been able

to count or name

and I have to admit that there’s

a little magic in this dance

and its ability to drum me

back to sanity

back down to the ground

that saves my ass every time

back down to that crazy craving

that has me

dancing all alone

and calling out

to jackrabbits and

rattlesnakes

with a rain song

that never brings me

any rain at all

coyote dance (obsession)

feathers and shells

braided into my hair

I went spinning through

                                                            a thousand open doors

covering

the whole damn city

looking for you

looking for the taste

of something sweeter

than the lingering scent

of stale smoke

and bitter herbs

you left in my bed

last night

I peered under

every cowboy’s hat

I curled my fingers into

every dark-headed woman’s hair

I thought I saw you

everywhere

but each time

I stumbled after you

the alleyways were empty

and the guitars

muttered flat

and gray

without your fingers

to send

them wailing

into the neon sky

I ran back

to the woods

and I danced

      my self

           dizzy and sick

under a

red-ringed moon

I yipped

your coyote cry

I screamed some

pre-industrial priestess’s

frantic chant

comeback

comeback

comebacktome 

I believed
                    I was calling you home

        I laid myself

face down

in the wet dirt

and dreamed

of elusive you

yet again

you came

and kissed me

in my sleep

I woke up

hungover

and burning

from your lips

I woke up

clutching myself

I woke up

alone as always

I ran far from you

five states and

ten lovers later

I threw myself into

the raging whiskey sea

I made of myself

a drunken tsunami child

with storming wings

I called myself a cursed

and a lonely goddess

wearing the scars

of countless kisses

and the perpetual bruise

of this relentless

obsession